Born in 2025 in North Bend, WA, out of equal parts coffee, chaos, and questionable science, Kermit’s Coaching has quickly become the best-kept secret in cycling. We don’t subscribe to “conventional methods” or even what most would call “real coaching.” Lonce Armstrung once said, "Kermit uses the most ridiculous coaching methods I’ve ever seen.”Sure, we’ll make you faster on the bike. Maybe even teach you how to properly fuel like a real athlete. And if you're lucky, teach you some technical skills to shralp the loamiest of loamers. But be warned, somewhere along the way, you might find yourself in therapy—disguised as a casual conversation with your coach. Students black out during workouts so frequently we’re toeing the line of ethical treatment. But in those hazy moments, something magical happens: breakthroughs, breakdowns, and the kind of catharsis you didn’t know you signed up for.Wondering if this is a cult? That depends—how do you feel about being publicly flogged for wearing ankle socks?Join us. Or don’t. But fair warning: you’ll probably stay slow, sad, and terribly dressed.All images are AI generated. Don't take them too seriously. Or do.

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FAQs

Who is Coach Kermit?
There are rumors circling, but no one really knows. Students have to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA).What is your coaching background and experience?
Wouldn't you like to know?What types of cyclists do you work with (e.g., road, gravel, mountain bike, time trial, beginners, elite)?
Any cyclist no matter your discipline or skill level. No triathletes (insert choking on vomit sound here).What’s your coaching philosophy or approach to training?
"Together we define the summit—then I’ll be beside you as you suffer, tearing muscle from will, until you become the rider you ever so desire." - Philosopher KermitHow do you tailor training plans to individual athletes?
We don't care about race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs—everybody is human and has their own uniqueness. Everyone, regardless of these differences, bleeds red. And I can assure you, you will bleed.How do you adjust training for time constraints, lifestyle, or unexpected changes (e.g., illness, work travel)?
These things no longer matter. Your life is bike now.How often will we communicate, and through what channels?
Expect to receive texts and phone calls in the middle of the night or while you're at work for spontaneous rides.How quickly do you respond to questions or comments?
Entirely depends on how much I like you. And that entirely depends on how good you look on a bike.Will there be regular reviews or check-ins?
Stupid question.What software or platforms do you use (e.g., TrainingPeaks, WKO, Today's Plan)?
No hablo.How do you use data like power or heart rate to guide training?
Power is all that matters. If you are doing 250w, you should be doing 275w. If you are doing 275w, you should be doing 300w. And so on.Do you offer race planning or event-specific prep?
Depends on the event. Is it badass like Unbound or Leadville? Or, is it lame like the Chilly Hilly?Do you help with skills, nutrition, or mental preparation?
Think you're pretty good technically, huh? Well, you're not. We run skills clinics periodically in conjunction with Case of the Mondays (COTM) and also offer private skills courses.Is strength training or cross-training included in your plans?
Legally, I have to say yes so I don't get sued when someone gets hurt doing 1700w.What do you expect from your athletes?
Pure dedication. Your family just became the second most important thing in your life. If you're sandbagging workouts, I will know and you will be banned.How many athletes do you currently coach?
Depends... the ones that know it?Can I speak with one of your current or former athletes for a reference?
No. They either died of cardiac arrest or are a world tour rider and don't have time for you.What are your fees and what’s included in the price?
I might charge you $20k a session or a bag of coffee will buy you a lifetime of coaching. It depends on how much you listen and follow the way of the frog.Are there different coaching tiers or service levels?
Kermit will decide what level of coaching you deserve.What is your cancellation policy or minimum commitment term?
You're done when we say you're done.

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Forms of Payment

We DO NOT accept any major forms of payment. That includes Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Venmo, Paypal. All banned.We don't accept cash either. No USD, CAD, EUR, GBP, or any other country's currency.We run exclusively on hugs, thank yous, and coffee.

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